


Distance

by marsygirl



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Jem Carstairs, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-20 19:40:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9509876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsygirl/pseuds/marsygirl
Summary: Songfic of the song Distance by Chirstina Perri. about the beginning of Jem and Tessa's relationship





	

_ The sun is filling up the room, _

_ And I can hear you dreaming. _

_ Do you feel the way I do, right now? _

 

It was early morning in the library the sunlight flitted through the gaps of the curtains casting light on her face. Tessa was curled up on one of the sofas reading. She looked like she was dreaming. Her eyes weren’t closed and she wasn’t asleep but she wasn’t where her physical self was. And really wasn’t that what dreaming really was? Jem was sure that he had heard Will refer to reading as dreaming before, or some other poetic term.

She looked up from her book and gave him a small smile. The sun cast golden halo on the back of her head.  The illusion that it gave off made Jem helpless to compare her to the divine being he held so dearly.

_ ‘Does she know? Does she know how I feel? How much I love her? Could she ever possibly love this dying soul?’ _

 

_ I wish we would just give up, _

_ 'Cause the best part is falling. _

 

Jem could feel hope sprouting through him when Tessa said that. When she looked up at him with soft eyes.

_ Could she? Could she love me? _

“Mizpah” Tessa whispered softly and before he could stop himself he bent down and pressed his lips to her hand. 

_ Stupid. Stupid inappropriate.  _

But she was smiling when he looked back and he couldn’t stop himself from hoping.

 

_ Call it anything but love. _

_ And I will make sure to keep my distance, _

_ Say I love you when you're not listening, _

_ How long, can we keep this up, up, up? _

_ Friendship _

The word tore through him like knife. Had he done something wrong? He had told Tessa and he was sure she had accepted. Had all the passion, the kissing been a dream that his fever had conjured up out of his darkest wishes? He was sure it had been real. Her lips. Her smile. Her skin. 

Or did she simply not love him. 

He should have kept his distance. Playing songs of love when she wasn’t there to hear. 

It would have been easier to be ignorant of her than to have her be pulled from his heart like this.

 

_ Please don't stand so close to me _

_ I'm having trouble breathing. _

_ I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now. _

 

Jem didn’t know why he kept doing this to himself. Why he kept testing the limits of how much  heartache he could endure. Yet here he was sitting in the carriage with Tessa on their way to the Silent City. Her presence was suffocating him choking off his air and making him dizzy. 

“You must know how very much your friendship means to me, and-” Jem felt his heart burst, there it was again  _ friendship.  _ He swore that the word was out to haunt him. Before he could stop himself he burst out saying hopes that he had had that night. He had wanted to keep all that to himself, to never speak of it ever again. He stopped when he realized she was apologizing. Apologising for her behavior, for her forwardness. 

He was telling her that she shouldn’t apologize but he could see her face change in that instant. She was thinking it was her fault again. He felt angry. He was angry at society for forcing her to believe that she couldn’t make her own decisions. At her Aunt who had taught her all the customs and rules. He was angry at all of them for breaking his heart into shards and making him believe she could never love him.

He was over to her side of the carriage sitting close to her assuring her that it was their choice. That it wasn’t her fault. 

“Say something, Tessa. “Jem heard his voice shaking. His fingers moved on their own accord brushing her skin. He was speaking but he hardly knew what he was saying, his only thought was to comfort her let her know that it wasn’t her fault. Before he was aware he was spouting words of love, emptying his chest of daydreams of their future. Of confessions, of poetry and he saw that Tessa was completely relaxed now. Her smile was brilliant and there was mirth in her eyes.

“That sounds almost practiced, James Carstairs. How many girls have you made swoon with your observation?” she said teasingly.

Jem smiled knowing exactly what to say. “There is only one girl I care to make swoon. The question is, does she?”

“She does.” Tessa answered

 

_ I'll give you everything I am, _

_ All my broken heartbeats. _

_ Until I know you'll understand. _

 

"I can offer you my life, but it is a short life; I can offer you my heart, though I have no idea how many more beats it shall sustain. But I love you enough to hope that you will not care that I am being selfish in trying to make the rest of my life - whatever length - happy, by spending it with you. I want to be married to you, Tessa. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life." 

He looked up at her his heart pounding so loudly that surely she could hear it too. It was always like this with her, he could never stop himself from saying everything. He could never hold back from her. "That is," nervousness that he had said too much crept on him, "if you love me, too.” It was a simple statement. Everything he had said before didn’t matter, this was the true question.

 

_ Do you love me too? _

 

He felt love rising in his body as she reached down for mother’s pendant. 

“Then yes.” She said. “Yes, I will marry you, James Carstairs. Yes”

_ Yes _

 

Relief flooded him he collapsed onto her lap wrapping his arms around her back. He felt her fingers running through his hair and down his shoulders. She accepted and all was right.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really just wanted to write from Jem's P.O.V because he can't possibly be as calm as he seems on the outside. I wanted to show the storm


End file.
